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I cannot express the elation I feel knowing that footy is back. More than that, SuperCoach is back! It’s been a long 6 month wait to feel the highs and lows of making some great and not-so-great coaching decisions!!

So, what were the highlights and lowlights of round 1?

We were expecting the Grand Final rematch to be spectacular and, after threatening to be a blow out, it ended up delivering exactly what we had hoped for. Geelong came out on top, just, but watching Hawthorn’s impressive come-back was easily the highlight of the round. The game was physical and hard-fought, with three official reports made by the umpires, leaving SuperCoaches everywhere nervously awaiting the outcome of the tribunal. But it wasn’t all doom and gloom for the SC fanatics. Those who had decided to bite the bullet and purchase Gary Ablett at his hefty $712,100 price tag, were paid for their faith in dividends, as the son of God himself put on a clinic, collecting 15 possessions in the first quarter alone.

The Port Adelaide and Essendon game was another incredibly physical and fast paced game. However, the skill errors on display from the Bombers were enough to frustrate even the Carlton supporters. Port put on a clinic and it is worth noting that the final scores did not represent the dominance they displayed on the field. Despite this the message was clear: Port has a full list and they have come to play.

Brisbane Lions also had a great win on Saturday night, showing some true class in delivering an almighty comeback in the third term to win over a rather impressive looking West Coast outfit that had the girls in the seat next to me at the GABBA droooooooling into their punnets of hot chips.

Richmond supporters were last seen licking their (considerable) wounds on Friday morning after Carlton absolutely DECIMATED the Tigers the night before. To add absolute misery to the insult, Cousins and Raines both went down with injuries, driving SuperCoaches across Australia into hysterics. The good news, they’ll probably only be out for 3-4 weeks according to the club. The bad news, the club’s news probably is optimistic at best.

So what’s the good oil from a SuperCoach perspective?

Top 5 scorers overall:
Ottens, B (Gee): 175 points
Power, L (Bris): 172 points
Ablett, G (Gee): 162 points
Giansiracusa, D (WB): 162 points
Dal Santo, N (StK): 161 points

There were a STACK of “guns” who performed like a 32yo virgin in a whorehouse on the weekend too, letting all their faithful down.

Tip of the Day: Don’t burn all your trades chasing points! Some players who are normally HUGE scorers performed pitifully on the weekend. Give them some time to warm-up. Remember, your trades are like gold. Only use trades this week if you are not fielding a full line-up.

In breaking news: Setanta O’hAilpin could well have his contract torn into teeny, tiny little pieces after punching teammate Cloke in the head and then swiftly giving him 5 toes up the bumhole. (Watch the video here).
It could well be time for the fighting Irish to be sent packing. Given the statistics from recent season, it could well be the smarter move for Carlton to invest their time, effort and monies in another tall for their backline who can actually use the pill when they get their hands on it. (No, not in a Ben Cousins way).

In other news, Bombers fans are heartbroken given news that key-player, Welsh, will be out for up to four months re-couping from a fracture dislocation to his ankle suffered in an intra-club match earlier today. Welsh’s ankle went snapski during a heavy collision/tackle during the third term.

Well, if it hasn’t been forever and a day since we last updated. There’s a good reason for that. We were doing other things, and besides, the whole pre-season CIRCUS concerning Ben Cousins, who spilt their glass on someone elses head and all that sort of stuff gets as tired as Shannon Noll at the Toyota Muster.
We’re not supremely interested in contributing to the fishbowl, we’re far more interested in monkey cages.

That said, it really is time to celebrate. FINALLY it is that time of year again. SuperCoach time. Hurry up ladies, the leagues are now open and there are 49 days til lockout AND you will need every single one of them to get your head around how you can afford to have Gary Ablett jr in your team. He’s priced the same as a small, but developing, nation.

Over coming weeks, we will report on who are the best draftees and young guns to have in your team. The tried-and-true points scorers of seasons past and, of course, dissect the display of talent from the NAB cup which starts this weekend.

Saul Eslake, of ANZ, has been winning himself a bunch of new friends, after repeatedly referring to Western Sydney as “Boganville”. Saul has his knickers in a rather impressive twist as Tassie continues its bid to enter a team into the “National” league in competition with the bid placed by Sydney’s western suburbs.

Blacktown City Council Mayor Charlie Lowles showed an element of class found missing in Eslake’s comments, by responding that all sports are important to the 1.8 million people living in Western Sydney.

If we were to really dissect it, you could say that Tasmania’s bid for a team is warranted. Tasmanian’s live and breathe AFL. They have the supporter base and the financial backing to field a team in the league.
Alternatively, Sydney already has a team and is a state that is incredibly oriented towards Rugby League. Hey, necks are overrated anyway.

In other news, Essendon look like drafting former-crow, Hayden Skipworth in next week’s pre-season draft. Coach Knights has been spouting about a “youth policy” through the entire draft process, jeering at the idea of recruiting a mature player. Things change apparently.

Buddy Franklin has been spotted at the hookers and deviants ball in Darwin. He posed, shirtless, with several fellow party-goers from the Northern Territory. None of which knew who he was.
Hawthorn superstar Luke Hodge is set to have his shoulder go under the knife to help alleviate an aggro injury and prepare him for the gruelling season ahead of beating everyone by 1000 points week in, week out.

JB has been named the SOLE captain of the Brisbane Lions for season 2009.
In previous years, he’s shared the role with several other members of the Lion’s senior squad. The end result: a shambles. This may sound harsh, but I do not remember seeing any single player within the leadership squad present much on-field leadership in Seasons 07 or 08 and that includes JB.
Club leadership delivered by several players has many positives, two-heads being better than one and so forth, but simultaneously it takes the pressure away from all leaders to actually lead. It dilutes the pond and detracts from the power and leading-by-example that can be delivered by a single captain.
No pressure, JB, but Voss will be heavily reliant upon your leadership as a new coach to the club. While he might be a little “over-rated” considering his current form, when Brown’s head and body is right - he is without doubt the most suitable person for the role at the club.
Simon Black could have been a contender for the title.. except he is the spitting image of Guy Smiley, well a prettier version, and his flip-top head, while perfect for a REACH advertisement, would be far too distracting at team meetings.
Good luck in Season 09 Lions!

The navy blues are sweating it up (some more than others) in preparation for their return to training on Monday. Blues coach and should-be model, Brett Ratten, has instructed his team of pasta lovers that should they return to the training track on Monday overweight, they might be punished. Most likely by being only allowed to eat the healthy-choice menu when they visit McDonalds.

Nick Stevens is likely to cop the attention of the media in particular. His spectacular return to football last season (after suffering a season, and almost career, ending neck injury) was marred by the fact he had bigger breasts than Pamela Anderson. Some have speculated that the Hadron Collider is, in fact, merely a machine designed to make him a snazzy belt in time for the 2009 Brownlow Medal count.
DFTM would advise the Four and Twenty meat pie company to pursue personal sponsorship deals. I mean, if he was to train and play in a jumper like the one on the right, he’d be getting the Four and Twenty message out there. Like, really out there.

Essendon FC have bombed the hopes of some players ahead of the upcoming National Draft.
Fans can say farewell to the likes of: Damien Peverill, Andrew Lee, Courtney Johns (hear the fans sigh “thank God” in unison), Tom Hislop, Dean Dick and Danny Chartres — all of whom have been demoralised, delisted and given a “seeya - wouldn’t wanna be ya” from the coaches, support staff and 98% of all fans (assuming 2% represents family (and assuming they too didn’t secretly hope for this for the betterment of the team!)).

Hardened Bomber fans will likely rue the decision concerning Peverill, who won the hearts of all fans when promoted from the rookie list to replace Smokin’ Joe Misiti (LTI) against Sydney in round 4, 2001 — where he tagged the match-winning Wayne Schwass out of the game and sealed his brilliant debut with a late goal.
Following his full time promotion to the senior list in 2002, and given the prized #11 of the retiring Damien Hardwick, Peverill has had some truly brilliant moments.. however, more recently has struggled to find his own penis for a p!ss - which has led to both a large wet patch on his left thigh and also the coach giving him a map to the nearest public toilet geographically located outside of the city limits, with a slap on the back and a big “f*ck you very much!”
So long Pev. At least know that I think you’ve been hard done by.
Well, sort of.

Adam “Courageous” Ramanauskas, Jason Johnson and Mal Michael will also not wear the old red and black again, all announcing their retirements.
Bookies are currently touted to be paying $1.40 that Michael will play for Fremantle next season.

On a brighter note, Jarrod Atkinson has been promoted to the senior list for 2009.

CONTROVERSY!! We love a little controversy over in monkeyland. But we REALLY LOVE a lot of controversy, and that is what Mr Kevin “the legend” Sheedy has brought to the table with his upcoming tell-all autobiography: Stand Your Ground, Life and Football.

It is alleged that in his story book Sheeds talks of how much he wanted Chris Judd. Like *really* wanted him. Not in a “let’s hold hands and take a romantic stroll down the beach at sunset and eat fish and chips on the spit” kind of way, (I hope), but in a “lets trade our captain Matthew Lloyd to West Coast” kind of way. The mere possibility of trading dead-eye-dick Matthew Lloyd to the Wee-gles as part of a package intended to lure the hardball-getter to the home of the Baked Bean (Windy Hill), is simply ludicrous. He even states that Hird would have played on if this had of eventuated!! Oooh it is so JUICY!!!

The cynic in me wonders if this is indeed another clever little marketing ploy to help sell copies - and, let’s face facts, Sheeds is a genius when it comes to that jazz… But hey, if so, would it really be necessary?? Which football lover wouldn’t want to read the story of such an accomplished champion? I’ll be sure to search for a torrent online myself.

EXCLUSIVE: Ryan O’Keefe has lost his testicles.

Well, it’s not really an exclusive. And, in a literal sense, it’s not even very true… but in a non-literal, let’s-take-the-absolute-piss way, it’s spot on the money.

R.O’K has paled to his very core at the thought of trusting his luck to the pre-season draft. (Kenny Rogers he ain’t).
Not because he’s wouldn’t get drafted.. in fact, the very opposite: because some non-Victorian teams had, unsurprisingly, another poo-brown season in ‘08 and consequently have the priority picks to draft him. For example: this could potentially see O’Keefe drafted to play for Fremantle. And that’s just simply not right. Only Essendon can send their 100 year old players to Fremantle — that’s an exclusive deal and Sydney is not invited to the party.

So all you fans of the South Melbourne Bloods, rest assured that the R’OK machine will end his days in Red and White - now that he has signed up for another (lucrative) four years.

Panic levels are rising down at Moorabbin Oval.. in a slashing-and-cutting frenzy that would have inspired Jack-the-Ripper, seven Sainters have been slashed from the list:
Fans of the Red, Black and White can bid farewell to Shane Birss, Charlie Gardiner, Jayden Attard, Matthew Ferguson, Michael Rix, Glenn Chivers and Luke van Reenan.

Essendon fans are hoping that the Saints will offer them three half-eaten meat pies to take Jason Laycock off their hands, now that their position of failed-ruck is officially open and hiring.